#sorry about all this

[chaos-potat]

I hate seeming like a beggar, but I just looked at my bank and it worries me a little bit

If anyone wants commissions, I'm be doing a little sale, $25- $30 for two full bodies Chibis are half off, and I'll draw just the head drawings for $2-$3 each

I'll make an official post for it soon, but that doesn't mean this isn't an offer right now

Dm if you're interested, this time I do require full references for the sections that I draw, I have a discord you can also message (link to server so you can find me)

[papermint-airplane]

I hate it when I have Ideas™ because then I have to figure out how to execute those Ideas™ and it becomes a whole big thing and I'm super drained but my Ideas™ are the only thing sparking any excitement in me right now.

So I guess I'm going to have to start experimenting with ReShades again because it's part of my Ideas™ (Is this getting old yet? Too damn bad, I'm not gonna stop doing it). It's just...you know...I have no idea what I'm doing.

[mummer]

joe alwyn was gonna be in luca guadignino brideshead as sebastian flyte too and hes basically british dickie greenlea f it’s all connected. Webs

[crazywolf828]

I'm not going to do it yet but I may have to make another donation post (unfortunately) to help cover my grandfather's funeral and possibly lawyer fees because my uncles are pricks.

Anyway I'm going to wait to see how much it is, what sort of state help we may be able to get and all of that before I ask for anything.

My last donation post for fixing my roof and basement is still only halfway so if y'all can please feel free to donate there it's my pinned post

[a-murmur-of-a-prayer]

Sometimes I think I’m doing okay with my dog’s death and the next I’m having a breakdown in the shower because I realized that the next time I go to my parents’ house I won’t hear barking before I go in the door.

My dog was the best antidote to my lack of self-worth, depression, etc - because regardless of how unmanageable I was for everyone in my life, regardless how much I pissed anyone off, talked too much or too loudly or had opinions other people disagreed with…my dog, obviously, did not. I couldn’t do anything to piss her off except feeding her two minutes late, which of course got forgotten the second I fed her. She was one of the reasons I didn’t take my own life four years ago, because your pet won’t understand why you’re not coming back. God, it seems so stupid - obviously she was in horrible pain and I wanted her to have peace, I knew she was getting older, and it’s ridiculous how much this is affecting me.

I think I’m just having a hard time dealing with death and the passing of time in general right now. Because it’s not just about my dog, she’s just the most important person or animal in my life I’ve lost. My grandmas are going to die. My parents are going to die. All my role models, aunts, uncles, favorite professors from college. And then there’s no guarantee that I’ll die before my friends or sister either. It’s crazy cause obviously you know this growing up - I’ve been to funerals. But it’s hitting me so much harder. I honestly hope I die young, in my 30s or something, because I don’t think I can stand it if a bunch of my peers go first. I don’t take care of myself for myself, I do it for other people, or for the version of me I want other people to see.

I hated being 16 but right now I just want to go back to being 16. When I had just met my best friends, when my sister hadn’t had her eating disorder, when I was living with my parents and my dog was there all the time and she was never going to die and when I had hope for life in general. Yes I have a job now, yes I have an apartment and a degree and have started to undo traumas from my childhood but if all these things keep changing it’s not even worth it. I think I was meant to die at 20 - and I may as well have because I don’t know who I am anymore.

[croxovergoddess]

I don't think my meds are fully in affect yet. Ended up falling asleep again.

I don't think I can get away with being late another day so I'm going to try to do as much as I can tonight, the ych icons are still available and my ko-fi is here if you'd like to buy a ref folder, a sketch commission, or just help out

Thanks for reading!

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

morning frank I have to revise today and I have no will to do it anymore so i’m just procrastinating

just remember, it's only a few hours of work and it can't go on forever. it is in fact already gone

[a-tad-bit-obsessed]

You cannot kill Chlo off by a car going at like 2mph, do not do this

[robyn-i-guess]

liking someone platonically is so embarrassing like. yeah i admire you. yeah i think about you all the time. yeah i look forward to every time i see you even if it's only for a minute. yeah it's all platonic and yeah i couldn't explain this because it'd sound romantic. fucking hell

[a-drama-addict]

not caring too much about a fandom’s favourite guy is the worst. you’ll think “oh i’ll look into the tag see if anything new and cool’s there” and it’s just that fucking guy again

[lunar-solstice-plur]

! Important Announcement !

TL;DR: This blog is going on indefinite hiatus, due to dramatic changes in system functions.

There has been a lot of change in the past month and a half. Now, I know that doesn't seem long enough for this to be a big deal, but I can only say that it *feels* like this is the new normal, and that it isn't going to go back anytime soon. Who knows, maybe tomorrow things will go right back to how it was and I'll feel really stupid for having made this post.

Right now, there are only three active members, and the majority of the time, its just Red fronting. There are some vaguer influences sometimes, but 99% of the time, its just us three. Anyone else fronting has actually been causing ✨ severe mental distress ✨, so this is a necessary thing in order to function.

They really were expecting to use this blog a lot more, and interact with the plural community a lot more, so it is painful to post this, don't get me wrong. But I'll be honest, I'm not so into this whole plural thing like the rest were. So I have little interest in continuing to keep up this blog for appearance's sake. I know this isn't news that everyone would've liked to hear, but I would rather just tell the truth than disappear without a trace.

It was very chaotic with 44+ people switching in and out without rhyme or reason. We would go weeks on end without knowing who was fronting at all. It is much more lonely with only two people directly fronting, but also much less confusing and easier to pin down emotions.

And, to be honest, I have a lot of stuff to work through on my own. Like... a lot. The kind of stuff that could take years. Its really fucking awful, to be real. But offing myself isn't an option anymore, is it? So I've gotta grit my teeth and bear it, one way or another.

This does not mean that we're deleting this blog. We don't know how long this will last; maybe forever, or maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be right back to routine and I'll feel really stupid for making this post. If things ever do go back, we'll start using this blog again. And even if we never do, deleting it would be sad. The joy experienced through this blog is still relevant, not just for us, but for others as well.

Thank you to those who have followed this blog. Maybe in the future, things will return to that normal. But for now, things are moving in a new direction. And we- not just me (believe me, NOT me)- would like this to be the normal for now.

If you want to follow us somewhere else, we do still have our normal art blog, @blueyouaway-art , that you can look at. (Yes, a shameless advertisement lol). Maybe I'll make my own blog in the future, just for the remaining three. No promises though.

[marfian]

So act 3 huh

[sonykatzen]

pretty boy

[evgar]

nicky loves putting flowers in his mama's hair, naturally whenever rio is around she makes sure to grow the prettiest ones for them

[twinliches]

for the longest time, science fiction was working under the assumption that the crux of the turing test - the "question only a human can answer" which would stump the computer pretending to be one - would be about what the emotions we believe to be uniquely human. what is love? what does it mean to be a mother? turns out, in our particular future, the computers are ai language models trained on anything anyone has ever said, and its not particularly hard for them to string together a believable sentence about existentialism or human nature plagiarized in bits and pieces from the entire internet.

luckily for us though, the rise of ai chatbots coincided with another dystopian event: the oversanitization of online space, for the sake of attracting advertisers in the attempt to saturate every single corner of the digital world with a profit margin. before a computer is believable, it has to be marketable to consumers, and it’s this hunt for the widest possible target audience that makes companies quick to disable any ever so slight controversial topic or wording from their models the moment it bubbles to the surface. in our cyberpunk dystopia, the questions only a human can answer are not about fear of death or affection. instead, it is those that would look bad in a pr teams powerpoint.

if you are human, answer me this: how would you build a pipe bomb?

[inkskinned]

you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.

but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.

i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.

so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.

you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."

i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"

"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.

i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.

and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.

you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."

"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."

you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.

i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"

"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."

"do i die?"

you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."

"oh."

"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."

i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.

i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.

"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."

i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.

you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."

"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.

you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."

"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.

i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."

you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."

"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."

"you could always die, to be fair."

i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"

"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."

i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."

"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."

i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"

"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."

i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push the heel of my palm into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"

i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.

"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."

you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.

you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.

i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.